A Modest Proposal: Make Australia Straight Again

*DISCLAIMER* This article is purely satirical and does not represent any of the views held by the author or this publication.

Following the downfall of the marriage equality plebiscite, an intervention must be held, writes Minh Nguyen.

Our empathy is starting to hurt our children.

More specifically, our empathy for the homosexual agenda and the fight for gay ‘marriage’ threatens the foundations of what John Howard once called ‘the best social welfare system in the world,’ – family; and it is our children who will pay the price.

It is a sad sight within Australian society to see a rather large proportion of our once happy, flourishing Australian children deprived of the love and education that a natural family structure would provide. Instead, these children have to endure a lifetimes worth of false love and deprivation as a result of the selfishness of the homosexuals who choose to force the burden of their lifestyle choice upon the next generation of young Australians.

These children have no chance of being an equal child to their peers as a result of their fallacious upbringing. Whilst homosexual sympathisers will try and argue with logic and reason by claiming that all a child needs is love, they’re simply wrong. Research indicates that a two-parent, mother-father family produces children with highly developed social skills around both sexes and less behavioural and psychological problems. Just look at the evidence – highly successful figures born into this family structure include Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un and Australia’s very own Rolf Harris.

It is clear that same-sex parenting is inferior to the traditional two-parent, mother-father family structure. For some years we have fought this terrible injustice by preventing the legalisation of homosexual marriage in Australia, but the threat is growing. Even the most rational agents within our society can have their resolves weakened by shameless propaganda campaigns intended to brainwash the innocent heterosexuals of Australia. The homosexuals are taking advantage of our poor Australian children, whose naivety renders them blind to the devastating impacts of same-sex parenting. The threat is growing, and preventing same-sex marriage isn’t enough. We must go one step further – this is about the welfare of our children after all.

In response to the threat that has the power to rip the fabric of our happy, heteronormative society apart, I have come up with a humble solution addressing the very heart of this issue – the homosexuals themselves.

We must deport all of them to New Zealand.

But why New Zealand specifically? The answer is simple. Australia, unlike our tiny neighbour, is a strong country that hasn’t succumbed to the homosexual threat, but may very well lose its resolve if the homosexual problem isn’t acted upon quickly. New Zealand on the other hand, is nation most famous for its imbalanced ratio of sheep to humans, therefore a sudden influx of homosexuals could do wonders for its publicity. So really, it’s a win-win situation for everyone – New Zealand gets more actual human beings, and Australian children will be saved from a lifetimes worth of mistreatment and false love.

I propose that the deportation of these undesirables be carried out in a three stage plan. Firstly, a method to lure the homosexuals out of their homes must be devised. I suggest an extravagant street parade – the more glitter, the better our chances of success. Secondly, we must conduct a survey to determine how long they have been a homosexual for. If they’ve participated in this lifestyle for less than a year, a far more lenient punishment of heterosexual boot camp should be issued. Lots of exposure to heterosexual treasures such as Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe (albeit, that could change) and the Hemsworth brothers will be needed for full conversion to be successful. In the case that homosexual lifestyle practices have been practiced for over a year, the person in question is beyond saving and movement to the third stage of the plan should happen as soon as possible – deportation.

I understand that there are many homosexuals in Australia and it will be a very difficult task to identify all of them. That is why the Gay Detection Hotline 0800 FABULOUS will be established so that well-meaning heterosexual members of the Australian public can assist this worthy cause.

In the case of children living with same-sex parents, we must assign them to heterosexual families as soon as possible. The earlier the detection, the easier it will be to pass them off as having a heterosexual upbringing. Very little protest should be expected. After all, we are doing the children favour by expelling the homosexual influence on their lives. If protest from same-sex parents does occur, distraction techniques such as spontaneously performed, carefully choreographed song and dance routines to Broadway showstoppers have proven to be effective.

I present you this solution with the solemn understanding that getting the homosexuals to leave Australia for New Zealand will be hard and expensive work – after all, who on Earth would give up a life of sun, surf and sand for the land of sheep and the absolute abomination that is Marmite? It will require lots of sequins, flannel, Mariah Carey and 80’s Madonna classics in order to lure these beings out of their homes and across the sea. They will need plenty of entertainment in the form of home improvement stores and live theatre shows in order to keep them occupied before they realise what’s really going on.

Yes, we will also have to face the inevitable possibility of deporting some well-meaning and kind hearted people from our country, but a wise man once told me that “…Jesus knows there is a place for everyone on this Earth, but that place is not necessarily Australia.” Surely this is only a small price to pay for the guaranteed prolonged wellbeing of the children?

Say what you want about this plan, and think what you will. But let’s also make one thing clear: I’m not homophobic, I have heaps of gay friends.

If you suspect that there is a homosexual near you, please call the 24/7 hotline 0800 FABULOUS for assistance.